Believe me, I know (Private w/ Ishi)

As Valerie chewed on what appeared to be the last bit of her broccoli, she heard Ishi say that she'd probably never get over her temper issue.

This was disturbing to say the least, and more accurately, terrifying to her. It was so terrifying that she accidentally sucked the floret into her throat and swallowed in whole. This prompted her to bust out into a coughing fit as her body was suddenly trying to compensate for the sudden intrusion to her esophagus. Needless to say, it was an aggressive fit as she began to slap her chest to alleviate some of the tension in her chest.

Once she could finally form cohesive words, she began to speak between coughs and nervous laughter. "That's uh.... ha... That's really... not the thing I was hoping to hear regarding that. Haha." She reached for her water once more, taking a much needed gulp to finally clear things out.

As a normal medical person; he knew that Valerie was fine when they started choking. He didn't even make a move, and watched as they managed the situation all on their own. See; it was fine. However, he needed to continue with what he was saying before. It was a shame that she didn't want to hear it, but Ishi was an adult and had been for at least 2 years.

"I'm sorry. It's what you must hear. It's as I will always have my problem of mild apathy. It's not as prevalent as in my youth; but it's still mildly there. As you could see, I didn't react to you choking and possibly dying. Albeit, that part came from trust." He spoke, then cleared his throat as if nothing happened.

"Now, to understand, I have many more problems than that. It's worth noting that you're one of the few prospects that I actually have hope for."

Valerie put the glass down with a gasp for air as she finally had the ability to breathe like a living mammal once more. She breathed heavily for a moment, blushing at the compliment for a brief moment before starting to put the words that were said into context.

"Thanks for that, but I really fail to see how that is in any way a problem from my perspective. You did say that most of the other candidates had prior experience, so that shouldn't really be a problem.

She closed her eyes, looking mildly irritated at the state of affairs laid before her. She cleared her throat and continued on.

"My attitude is directly tied to my semblance, Professor. If I lose my cool because something happens, the speed at which I can help my teammates recover is severely diminished. To have it be a part of me at all is a travesty and cannot be allowed."

"Previous experience tends to be a problem. It always has been. Due to past experience; they always think that you'll be wrong and that the situations they've been through were done the exact right way. At least you recognize that's not always the case."

He sighed; he had to step carefully.

"Life's a travesty. Believe me, I know." He took a bite of the dessert that he just sorta been sitting in front of him before continuing. "It's not that hard to believe such things. It's not true. No matter the rate; the fact you're still even mildly helping is more than half the people at this academy can say."

He'd have loved to take a drink of the booze he usually kept on him, but that was still kept by Valerie. His hand even went to the pocket he typically kept it in. He hadn't gotten it back. He wasn't just going to like, ask for it. That'd be rude and probably improper.

Valerie set her cutlery on her empty plate and pushed it slightly out of the way. She interlocked her fingers and rested her elbows on the table as she looked sidelong to some visage that wasn't really there. Old friends crossed her mind and a familiar sense of melancholy set in, leaving her to think deeply on where she was before turning back to Ishi with a sad smile upon her face.

"Though I appreciate the sentiment, anything less than my best does no justice to those that will rely on me just as it did not to those that once did. The luxury of mistakes isn't something that I have. Perhaps some may disagree with me, people make mistakes after all, but I often think of it as my duty to go beyond human to make sure everyone gets out. At least that's how I think of it these days."

It felt like quite a bitter view to take. Something akin to optimistic nihilism, a contradiction within a contradiction. Her smile was faint, but it was there, but some way to fool herself for just a little bit longer.

He got the concept; he did. He was just too old to think that he could keep doing it. He used to have that whole 'you have to go past your human capabilities to help' but he knew it was childish thinking. To go beyond human, even for a small amount of time, could happen. You could even have it happen consistently. However, he knew that it was a childish dream.

"It's gonna sound like a croc of s*it coming from me. Despite it possibly tearing your soul in three; even you have limits.  Sure, you could go beyond human. You could do it multiple times a day, if you really felt like it." He took a deep breath, "I can tell you all of one thing about how I feel about it. It's childish to assume that anything less than your best does no justice. Just helping does justice; especially when your worst is still better than most people's best."

He would finish his meal shortly after saying that, and sighed. He was too old, yet too young, to be giving advice to someone like her. He wasn't the type of doctor who could really help her. She had seen teammates die right in front of her; and it was a gruesome sight. He had only showed her someone that he had attempted to save. Ironically; he had no regrets about the doctor side of his life. It was more the start that was a bit rough.

Valerie kept smiling through it all. She was many things, but in the face of her idealism of others, she was probably one of the most stubborn people on this planet. She actually laughed a bit and her smile was genuine for a bit as she spoke. "Oh no. They deserve my best because they are doing their best. That's why I'll never stop trying to give my best to everyone."

In rememberance of her old family, this was quite simply the way that Val was. She had been with far younger and more optimistic people in the past, people that she had once thought of as naive. That was early on though, after she'd left Mistral behind and gone to Vale, she had been a bit more nihilistic at the time, but it was them that changed her for the better. The people that she was in charge of, that she was to take care of, they all were such a vast array of people that changed her to become the kind of person that refused to give up on a person.

"I mean, what would life be for me if I wasn't always striving to be 110% of who I am? I could reach any goal that was reasonable, so at least this way I always have a reason to live, you know?"

Despite who he was, and despite what he did, he had certain manners of which he felt. He listened to her and he felt his mood drop. 'What would life be for me if I wasn't always striving to be 110% of who I am' was one hell of a line. It almost made Ishi laugh. Not to mention the last part of that hurt Ishi the most.

"I know you aren't going to listen. But, I'll bite on that question. What you'd have, is probably a happier life. At least, if you take 40% of that off; you can say that it wasn't your best. This means you'll either live with guilt, or you'll be happier. You won't fail using all your effort; which hurts the most every time."

He took a deep breath before continuing.

"It's why I'm my way, anyway. I know I've tried my best at everything, and my list of failures is so much longer than my list of achievements."

He slumped in his chair. He wished he could have such idealism. He threw that out long ago. Well, that specific type. He still thinks he could do good. What a fool. He's always been a killer; despite what he says. He will always have that on his personal record, and will always have it dragging behind him. However, he knows that he can still save Valerie from having as dumpy of a life as him.

He had no answer for the last part. Not that he could say out loud. He had given up that whole reason to live thing properly a long time ago.

"Well of course it's going to hurt when you try your best and fail. Believe me, I know. What hurts far more is knowing that you failed because you could have done better. It eats you to find that every variable in the situation didn't matter except you. I know that because that was me once, and remembering even one of those is worse than every failure I've ever had that I gave it my all."

Valerie knew that she couldn't live if she wasn't doing her best. Everything would just pile onto her soul, one after the other until she was finally crushed by her guilt and lost it. Perhaps she didn't deserve happiness, but she'd not go out of her way to damage herself either. There was a slight twinkle in her eye as she felt like she'd gained a bit of perspective before abruptly losing it. This didn't stop her from smiling at Ishi, with a gentle breath as she tried to lighten their hearts.

"Besides, it's no fun to try squeaking by. I mean, think of right now, and how much less fun it would be if I weren't trying my hardest to get you to cheer up. I'd probably have dropped you off at your place by now and we'd have moved on by now. Yet here we are, trying to have a good time."

Ishi's heart broke just there. One could see it. It was after the first set of words. His heart broke and he, in his depression and stupidity, realized something. Why in the world was he, a world-class doctor, sitting around and trying to make excuses. If it weren't for this girl, the one who just decides 'oh, I'm going to lay the hurt emotionally with words' girl. Ishi couldn't deal with this properly. He gave a laugh once she was finished talking. He couldn't believe how stupid he was.

"I can't believe I've been this stupid for this long. What am I doing? Well, other than having crippling alcoholism. I can't believe that I have to be cheered up by a young lass."

Ishi took a deep breath. This whole situation was foolish, and not any more than 30 minutes ago, he had given this girl the choice to live in his home. What has his life become?

Well. He knew one thing. Maybe his life was just slightly salvageable.

"Well, just because I'm young doesn't mean that I haven't been around the block a few times. Experience is only had by those with the desire to have it, not just those who are elders." Valerie speaks before thinking and then goes back to verify what she had just said as actually making sense. Not something she generally does often, but it happens to the best. Her attention refocuses and she realizes that she has the present to deal with.

"As for you, I always heard the phrase that stupid is as stupid does, so I don't really believe that a person can be stupid so much as to just make some bad decisions. And we have all made more than a few bad decisions in our lives, so it's only a matter of willingness to pick up the pieces from then on."

To be honest, Val had no real clue what she was doing right now. She wasn't all that great at helping people with their feelings from her experience, and really, it just felt to her like she was speaking words and hoping that some of them stuck.

Ishi was bemused; despite otherwise being a sad person. Valerie was trying what seemed to be her hardest. She was terrible at that whole thing. She seemed to be someone like Ishi; who was far better at healing literally than emotionally. It went like that sometimes. You were better at healing than talking; which generally meant that you were outstanding in your field. Make no mistake; Ishi was absolutely outstanding in his field. It was just a matter of life being boring.

He'd respond shortly after though.

"A few bad choices? Oh man; I've made at least 100. I'm sure that you understand."

He might not actually be sure; but for someone so young, they sure seemed to carry themselves right and proper. Typically the only young people who did that were those who messed up in the past. Ishi used to be like that until he just decided not to be. That was roughly the time he became a man who just wouldn't stop drinking.

Take the good with the bad.

Valerie held her fork and gently tapped it against her napkin as she thought on his words. Her memories passed by her vision like a slideshow of images of the things she remembered, one of which being a bitter memory of herself seated besides a hearth as she ate stolen food. There was a mosh pit of people wrestling and fighting after a stray insult stuck, and there she was.... laughing and cheering on the blood sport as she ate a meal that another family was deprived of.

Reality flooded back all at once and she could feel the twisting in her chest in that moment, stronger than ever. It all stemmed from that one statement. 'I'm sure that you understand.' That hurt her more than anything else that has ever been said about herself, mostly because it was right. In the present, she smiled somberly as she quietly uttered her response. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do."